Premarital Counseling
It's amazing the money and effort couples spend for their first day married—their wedding—when an investment in their time together is an even wiser investment or gift.
Counseling prior to or during engagement celebrates what brought the two of you together, assesses your problem-solving styles, looks at your family genogram, and identifies emotional buttons plus potential hazards. It will address things you had not thought of, on your own.
Best done with at least four sessions, you'll leave with suggested Apps, videos and books you could even add to a savvy wedding registry.
We had ongoing sessions for years, yet still schedule time. That's a credit to all Loriann taught us—the stages of anger (cleanup!), Gottman concepts like four horsemen to keep in check. Loriann helped us through anxiety, defiance and frustration, before the pandemic. She brought us closer as a couple and to our families, which we realize aren't perfect, but that is okay. The way we speak to one another, our relationship and overall wellbeing are so far better. — a happier couple
How things can change if you compare the couple set up with skills to the one with problems, months or years in. If only they knew then ...
She's tired of asking for his help. He's annoyed by promises forgotten. She didn't see that blitzed evenings preceded what he dubbed his "beer bottle collection" before moving in.
They're always with her family, yet she uses his parents' interest in politics, their caged bird and modest holiday gifts as reasons to avoid his folks. Sound problematic?
Made more interesting to learn his mother works for a think tank, dad teaches at community college, and the bird adds more fun that his wife just doesn't get. Over time, this husband has seen it's not their curiosity, current events, a silly Parakeet nor holiday habits.
It's that his wife's priorities never include what matters to him. How might things play out if they start a family? Is there hope...will things remain one-sided?
When Reality Sets In
Gottman Approach Addresses:
- conversations you're reluctant to have because your silence, imploding and/or exploding can go on no more—effective communication is key
- feeling marginalized, overlooked, taken for granted, as you do more than your fair share, having little personal time to enjoy solo or together
- reflective listening skills teaching that one partner talks, without interruption; the other paraphrases before adding anything else to the conversation
- behaviors, e.g. stonewalling, critical comparisons, defensiveness, or name calling (contempt)—four corrosive habits that, if left uncorrected, cripple any relationship
in what you want your life to look like now, in six months or a few years—personal/career goals, financial stability, how you spend your time and make dreams happen
- discerning if you can get beyond gridlocked issues, accept one another's influence, practice kindness and find the spark and passion you had as you fell in love
Can This Work?
Couples counseling requires willing participants. Sadly, when horrible habits become precedent, change is harder.
Occasionally, one cajoles the other to therapy and that less enthusiastic person embraces help, accepts responsibility, and rolls up sleeves to work. A crossed-arm defiance or a spoken yes but no activity shows a less promising result.
Successful couples want to make changes. They try not to finger point with the idea that their union would work if partner would just do ____. They accept difference as the spice of life. They work on self. They embrace family and friends.
I once asked Fred Rogers, in an interview, what he did when annoyed. First, he told me, he had a creative outlet, his piano. Second—I'll never forget this—he said, "I wonder what happened in that person's day." Counseling involving other people succeeds when you become more curious and accepting of difference, learn to converse with kindness, and realize that life is short. Be careful what argument you choose to stake your credibility, reputation and future outcomes on. Don't sweat the small stuff.
Loriann has been great for both of us, especially for me. I would not be where I am, emotionally and in our marriage, except for her guidance! That we moved from bickering and being walled off to such a happier place is a credit to Loriann's patience. The work continues, we realize. Thank you for helping us, refreshing what you taught us occasionally, and for enlightening us with articles, apps and resources. — A Happier Ever After Client
When & Where Do We Sign Up?
Use the contact link on this website to reach out. If there's a caseload spot, days/times you desire, I will email you PDF forms to fill out and return to me. I give priority to clients I've seen before. It's the ultimate compliment that you've chosen this practice again, for assistance. Two individuals can be in different locations for telehealth. The encrypted App I use will be at the bottom of most emails I send you and on the memo that comes with your forms.
I accept private pay and some insurances. If you're thinking of using an employee assistance program for this, please reach out to me first. Those sessions are shorter and not as ideal for couples work, yet we may be able to make it work. Let's talk.
Family Counseling
Family counseling is also available with this practice. Ms. Oberlin can apply family systems, cognitive-behavioral therapy, and the Gottman approach to relationship dynamics beyond a dyad. This often helps extended families, siblings, parent/adult children and prevents unnecessary estrangement.
People can be in different places as long as they have the secure App. Paperwork will have to be filled out by all adults participating in sessions. Use the contact link on this website to reach out for help.
Helpful Relationship Resources: clickable book links
